News that Isn’t News

April 19: CNN reports: “New York Voters Get Raw on Hip Hop Radio” In other news, Trump’s loss in Colorado was actually due to voters writing in “Blunt Cruz” because, well, it made them giggle.

April 14: Washington Post reports: “Donald Trump Supporters Love To Use Emojis” In other news so does my 13 year old cousin.  And my 82 year old grandmother. And oh wait… everyone.

March 31: Politico reports: “Kasich defends eating pizza with fork: It was ‘scalding hot, OK?'” In other news, I ate a piece of lettuce off the floor in Chop’t, it was there “less than 5 seconds, OK?”

March 10: CNN reports: “Dog reluctantly takes Trump pledge” In other news, we all may be reluctantly taking the Trump pledge in 11 months if this craziness continues.

March 4: Politico reports: “Trump on small hands, ‘I guarantee you there’s no problem'” In other news, people over the age of 60 tend to text using their index fingers.  Scientists are working on an explanation.

March 3: The Hill reports: “Miley Cyrus Pledges to Leave the US if Trump wins”  In other news, I’ve decided to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day

March 3: CNN reports: “Hugh Hefner’s Son Slams Trump” In other news, this morning my senile  neighbor yelled at a bird that he “better deliver his paper on time tomorrow.”


What happened to the news.  You know, the program you turn on to get informed about what is going on in the world.  

Seriously, where did it go?  

I don’t remember the last time I turned on the television and didn’t find Hillary/Bernie/Ben/Donald/Ted/Marco staring back at me.

Yes, the presidential election is important.  It is an incredible testament to our tradition of peaceful transition of the most powerful office in the world, but must we really discuss it twenty four hours a day, seven days a week for eighteen months?  

I feel like I know everything about the candidates, yet also nothing at all.  

When you turn on the news today you would think that the world legitimately revolves around the United States presidential election.  CNN is by the far the most egregious violator of this digression from traditional broad news coverage.  Gone is the traditional format with A-block headlines, B-block in depth stories, and C-block personal interest stories.  Instead we have A-block Hillary Clinton emails, B-block Donald Trump twitter feed, and C-block “Does Jeb seem more energized today?”

Think about this, the country’s leading news station actually spends time doing nothing more than reading from a twitter feed, all the while a giant italicized “Breaking News” banner streams across the bottom of the screen.  

CNN has basically become a more colorful version of your car’s bluetooth that reads texts out loud.  Also, since when are tweets breaking news?

Even items that could be legitimate news have become downgraded to another item to be spun by partisan hacks.  A new jobs report… what does that mean for Bernie Sanders message of inequality.  A terror attack overseas… is Hillary’s time as Secretary of State to blame for this?  

As a result, we here at Eighteenth & U are proud to announce a new feature that will appear on our Twitter page (@EighteenthandU) called “Things we saw on the news that are not news.”  For today’s inaugural edition, here are some items seen over the past few weeks.

  • Donald Trump held a rally in (insert city) and (insert number) people attended.  This is what politicians do, they hold rallies.  It’s like announcing that your local barista made a macchiato this morning.
  • Bernie Sanders decried the billionaire class.  This is literally his platform.  It’s like saying McDonalds makes fast food or that American Airlines is selling flights.
  • Breaking: Hillary Clinton’s emails.  Years old items are not breaking news. Say it with me now.  Just as with the hairstyle she is wearing today. This. Is. Not. Breaking. News.