Donald’s 12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, the Donald gave to me, a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the second day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, two MAGA hats
And a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the third day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, three swing states,
Two MAGA hats, and a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the fourth day of Christmas the Donald gave to me,
Four interviews, three swing states, two MAGA hats and a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the fifth day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, five Chinese ties,
Four interviews, three swing states, two MAGA hats and a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the sixth day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, six Fox News anchors,
Five Chinese ties, four interviews, three swing states, two MAGA hats
And a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the seventh day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, seven golden airplanes,
Six Fox News anchors, five Chinese ties, four interviews, three swing states,
Two MAGA hats and a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the eighth day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, eight Russians hacking,
Seven golden airplanes, six Fox News anchors, five Chinese ties, four interviews,
Three swing states, two MAGA hats and a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the ninth day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, nine Clinton emails,
Eight Russians hacking, seven golden airplanes, six Fox News anchors, five Chinese ties,
Four interviews, three swing states, two MAGA hats and a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the tenth day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, ten Ivanka snapchats,
Nine Clinton emails, eight Russians hacking, seven golden airplanes, six Fox News anchors,
Five Chinese ties, four interviews, three swing states, two MAGA hats
And a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the eleventh day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, eleven golden toupees,
Ten Ivanka snapchats nine Clinton emails, eight Russians hacking, seven golden airplanes,
Six Fox News anchors, five Chinese ties, four interviews, three swing states,
Two MAGA hats and a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

On the twelfth day of Christmas the Donald gave to me, twelve Cabinet posts,
Eleven golden toupees, ten Ivanka snapchats nine Clinton emails, eight Russians hacking,
Seven golden airplanes, six Fox News anchors, five Chinese ties, four interviews,
Three swing states, two MAGA hats and a lie in a three a.m. tweet.

The Best Jokes You Didn’t Hear At The Al Smith Dinner

The Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner is an annual white-tie affair held in New York City to raise money for Catholic Charities. It features the who’s who of the New York elite and since John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon first spoke at the dinner in 1960, it has been a light-hearted rite of passage for presidential candidates heading into the homestretch every four years.

Usually candidates take a self-deprecating approach to their speeches and the roast is more Kiwanis Club than it is Comedy Central. This year, however, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump took quite a few liberties with that theme and traded barbs loosely cloaked in often poor humor. Trump’s performance even elicited boos from the crowd, which was probably a first for the dinner.

Here are the best jokes that you didn’t hear, but perhaps should have.

Trump:

  • “Most of you had to pay to be here tonight. But as a guest of honor my invite was free.  This is good, because I didn’t want to break my streak of not giving money to charities.”
  • “If you can’t hear me in the back, it is because they borrowed this microphone from the first presidential debate.”
  • “My running mate, Mike Pence, wasn’t able to make it. He declined the invitation, saying he would need at least two full days preparing for the Sunday shows to explain what I really meant in this speech.”
  • “You may not know this about me, but the only thing that stopped me from becoming a Cardinal was those hats. I mean, what a sin it would have been to have this covered up my whole life.”
  • “I’ll admit, I was a little confused when the waiter earlier asked if I wanted fish or chicken.  I told him it’s actually pronounced ‘Long John Silvers’ and ‘Popeyes.'”
  • “I was a little nervous when I heard the dress code for tonight was ‘white tie.’  Jake Tapper, if you’re listening, ‘I disavow.'”

Clinton:

  • “You may notice Bill isn’t here with me tonight.  If he were he would’ve sat right there next to me and Donald, but I decided I could wait 3 more months to hear Donald say “Hi, President Clinton.”

    Mic drop. HRC out.

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Photo Credit: JONATHAN ERNST / REUTERS

A Debate Primer For Your Sanity

I sat down this weekend with the intention of writing about tonight’s debate and what to expect.  But let’s be honest, its simple.  Trump will say whatever comes to his mind, whether right, wrong, fictitious, or absurd and Clinton will be hamstrung to defend herself. Democracy!

Instead I bring you this preview to what will inevitably increase attendance at AA meetings across the country next week.

Early prediction (based on CNN advertising):

  • Trump and Hillary will each arrive in sequined robes. Trump will decline to weigh in and instead declare that “My weight is phenomenal, truly tremendous.”  Gary Johnson will then rush the stage and bite off part of Clinton’s ear.

How Clinton will win: 

  • She must do the oral equivalent of walking across a Vaseline soaked tightrope, in a hurricane, while wearing ice skates, and after taking 10 shots of Trump Vodka.

How Trump will win:

  • He must not vomit, defecate, or die on stage.

What Clinton will wear:

  • Black suit.  Red power tie.  Flag Pin.  Frank Underwood’s cuff-links.

On fact checking:

  • CNN will fact check, but will then allow Ana Navarro and Corey Lewandowski to debate each “fact.”
  • Fox’s fact checking will be done by Rudy Giuliani.
  • MSNBC will stop fact checking after their team resigns due to exhaustion 10 seconds into Trump’s opening statement.

Drink whenever Clinton says: 

  • “We are stronger together.”

Drink whenever Trump says:

  • “I’ll hire the best people to look into that.”

Finish your drink if: 

  • Someone in the audience shouts “RIP HARAMBE!” during a pause in the action.

You know what, just start drinking now.

If you’re seeking accurate information:

  • Skip this debate and wait for the SNL version next weekend.

How we’ll be saved:

  • CNN’s countdown clock will freeze at 0:00:03 and no activity shall ever commence until its CNN countdown clock has hit 0:00:00.

Late prediction:

  • The Commission on Presidential Debates will have a person whose sole job is to cover Lester Holt’s mouth when Trump declares that “Hillary Clinton not only founded ISIL, but she actually piloted all four planes on 9/11.”

 

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7 Things You Can Expect From Donald Trump This Week

Last week Donald Trump treated us to all new sorts of crazy.  He started the week by hinting at the assassination of Hillary Clinton and finished by declaring that President Obama founded ISIS.

It will be a tough act to follow, but here at Eighteenth&U, we offer you a sneak peak into what Trump has planned for us this week.

7 Things You Can Expect From Donald Trump This Week

  1. “I heard from a reliable source – very reliable, believe me – that Hillary Clinton deleted those 30,000 emails because she actually is the Nigerian Prince. Many people are saying that.”
    1. Turns out that reputable source is an email from a Nigerian Prince.
  2. In a 7-tweet series starting at 11:43 pm, he’ll denounce KFC as “really a terrible establishment” that “even starving African children wouldn’t touch” after he realizes mid-flight that his 10 piece bucket only has 9 pieces.
  3. Trump will write a letter to the editor declaring BuzzFeed a “puny, insignificant website that is so 2014” after they post a listicle titled: “23 Things Bigger Than Donald Trump’s Tiny, Tiny Hands.”
  4. He will insist that Mike Pence twirl around on stage to model his new Trump suit and tie. Trump will add that “Mike is probably the ugliest dude to ever wear one of those.”
  5. At an event in Illinois, he’ll make fun of Senator Mark Kirk for wearing glasses asking “like, how does even check his Twitter mentions without looking like a four-eyed loser?”
  6. Trump will ponder aloud to an audience in Texas; “Thank god Hillary isn’t a beach volleyball player, am I right? She’s barely a hard 6, much less a 10!”
  7. A tweet “revealing” that Obama killed Harambe.

 

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Photo Credit: (AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)