I sat down this weekend with the intention of writing about tonight’s debate and what to expect. But let’s be honest, its simple. Trump will say whatever comes to his mind, whether right, wrong, fictitious, or absurd and Clinton will be hamstrung to defend herself. Democracy!
Instead I bring you this preview to what will inevitably increase attendance at AA meetings across the country next week.
Early prediction (based on CNN advertising):
- Trump and Hillary will each arrive in sequined robes. Trump will decline to weigh in and instead declare that “My weight is phenomenal, truly tremendous.” Gary Johnson will then rush the stage and bite off part of Clinton’s ear.
How Clinton will win:
- She must do the oral equivalent of walking across a Vaseline soaked tightrope, in a hurricane, while wearing ice skates, and after taking 10 shots of Trump Vodka.
How Trump will win:
- He must not vomit, defecate, or die on stage.
What Clinton will wear:
- Black suit. Red power tie. Flag Pin. Frank Underwood’s cuff-links.
On fact checking:
- CNN will fact check, but will then allow Ana Navarro and Corey Lewandowski to debate each “fact.”
- Fox’s fact checking will be done by Rudy Giuliani.
- MSNBC will stop fact checking after their team resigns due to exhaustion 10 seconds into Trump’s opening statement.
Drink whenever Clinton says:
- “We are stronger together.”
Drink whenever Trump says:
- “I’ll hire the best people to look into that.”
Finish your drink if:
- Someone in the audience shouts “RIP HARAMBE!” during a pause in the action.
You know what, just start drinking now.
If you’re seeking accurate information:
- Skip this debate and wait for the SNL version next weekend.
How we’ll be saved:
- CNN’s countdown clock will freeze at 0:00:03 and no activity shall ever commence until its CNN countdown clock has hit 0:00:00.
- The Commission on Presidential Debates will have a person whose sole job is to cover Lester Holt’s mouth when Trump declares that “Hillary Clinton not only founded ISIL, but she actually piloted all four planes on 9/11.”
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